We didn't need another dog. When I saw Penny at the feedstore, though, I instantly fell in love. She was a beagle/blue-heeler mix with heeler markings and beagle ears and tail.

She's very healthy and sweet, very socialized and lovable. I've seen puppies given away for free which needed more TLC than this sweet gal. I'm glad to know the gentleman who raised her got a little bit of reimbursement for her excellent care, although not nearly as much as it cost to raise her to eight weeks.

I'm hoping to train her for herding, but she's only nine weeks old now. Her favorite activity is biting and chewing. I'll have to see what she's like when she's older, but even if she's just a pet, she'll still be loved and spoiled like any working dog.

Blessed Be.

It will be 14 years tomorrow since I lost my little girl. Will the pain never end? I will never see her smile, never hear her laugh, never see her wonder at the rainbow in a drop of water.

She will never know music, never dance, never sing. The canvas of her life will remain unpainted, untouched.

My baby. My baby. How my heart cries for her. How I long to hold her in my arms and rock her gently. How I wish I could tell her a story or see her learn. Nobody understands or even tries. She can never be replaced. She was more than a jumble of cells, don't you know that?

Every year at this time, my heart wants nothing more than to scream in agony, to hide and never be seen again, never feel again. I know it will never be, but I just want to hide.

I want to end this with something heartwarming, something inspirational, but there's nothing more I can say.

Blessed Be.

My partner is an overgrown child. She has no desire to act like a grownup at all. We're living at her mother's place and she seems to think that gives her an excuse to act like a spoiled brat. It doesn't. I'm just so lonely. Last night was the first time we've made love in at least two years and today I'm just as lonely as I was yesterday. I hurt. A lot.

I know she's clinically depressed, but she has all kinds of support with therapist, psychiatrist, medical doctor, other medical types and of course her family, myself included. I try to get her out of bed every morning, but she tells me if I loved her I wouldn't. My heart is broken. Constantly. Why can't I leave? I have plenty of grounds, but I just can't seem to leave. She's been both physically and emotionally abusive as well as lazy and bratty. I just want to die right now.

I want to work, but I can't seem to find a job and I don't have a drivers license, so half the jobs I am otherwise qualified for are done before I even apply. I'm physically disabled on top of that, so most potential employers dismiss me as soon as they see the cane anyway. I want to leave, just take my critters and go, but I don't have anyplace TO go and no money.

I hurt inside. I hurt inside constantly, but right now I feel as though someone is taking the back of a claw hammer and using it to pull out the contents of my chest. I want to cry all the time.

We say we love each other, but I don't know if I mean it anymore.  I do, I know I do, but do I really? Sometimes I'll see her face, her hair, her sweet smile and my heart will melt. Others, she makes me so angry and hurt I want to die.

I have no place I can go. Nothing I can do. Stay tuned.

Blessed Be.

I've been trying to find a job, but it's HARD with a cane! Employers look at me as a falling risk, I guess. Guess I have to get serious about starting my own business, lol.

I make jewelry. What's really great about it is that the same skills can be used in other things, too, like bending wire to make animal cages. And, of course, I had the perfect gift for the women in my life this year without spending much, which was great since I'm broke.

I hope everybody had a great New Year and Yule and has a blessed year to come.

Blessed Be.

I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. I've been extremely busy. I've been trying to negate my disabilities, find a job and get my friend, Bunny's, name off my blog. Long story. Anyway, eac step I take is a step in the right direction, each mile brings me a mile closer to my dream.

I finally have a strain of rabbits I think will succeed, regardless of conditions. I'm planning to pasture or green feed them in about two weeks, that is if I can keep C from wanting to pet them all the time. I know they're soft, but sheesh! Too friendly and I won't be able to butcher them! I think that's what C really wants. She'd rather get attached to them then have to find them homes than let them be dinner.

The vegetable garden seems to be doing well, probably because of all the recent rains and the bunny berries we used on them. I can't wait for the tomatoes! Next year, I hope I can have some sort of raised bed.

Anyway, that's my update for now, more later!

Blessed Be.

Alaska is becoming more and more likely the location we will be homesteading. I detest the cold, but the only other place that is tax-free is Texas, which may not stay that way. I do not want to homestead somewhere, not have a "full-time job" and lose my home because of it, simply because some bureaucrat decided I needed to support him. I want to live in area with no government, including public schools, police, fire department, etc. I want to defend my own land, school my own children(yes I do intend to have internet access so they can get online), and protect my own home and family. I have the highest respect for law-enforcement, but I see it as my job, nobody else's. Basically, I want to out in the middle of nowhere taking care of me and mine.

I am coming up with a design, which will, of course, depend on the local terrain, to create an all-in-one underground or similar-type house, barn and greenhouse so I never have to leave the warmth. Cold, as you may recall, is painful for me. I will need a reliable source of water, artificial lighting and a source of energy for it(I imagine solar is out in the winter!) good stores of dried, canned and frozen foods of various types and a whole heck of a lot of determination. I know I can do this, but I need to do even more research first as well as stocking up on a lot of things!

For now, I have time. I don't believe the world will end or the grocery stores will run out any time soon. Heritage plants will still be able to be purchased next year, and so will chickens, cattle, goats, bees, and rabbits. 2012 will be just the same as 2011. Unfortunately.

Blessed Be.

I am currently reading "Strong Survival: The Life and Times of a Mountain Woman" by Cliffie Strong. There a quite a few good ideas in it so far, and I haven't even read all that far in it. I have also read several other homesteading books, which I will list when I find them.

Blessed Be.