My partner is an overgrown child. She has no desire to act like a grownup at all. We're living at her mother's place and she seems to think that gives her an excuse to act like a spoiled brat. It doesn't. I'm just so lonely. Last night was the first time we've made love in at least two years and today I'm just as lonely as I was yesterday. I hurt. A lot.
I know she's clinically depressed, but she has all kinds of support with therapist, psychiatrist, medical doctor, other medical types and of course her family, myself included. I try to get her out of bed every morning, but she tells me if I loved her I wouldn't. My heart is broken. Constantly. Why can't I leave? I have plenty of grounds, but I just can't seem to leave. She's been both physically and emotionally abusive as well as lazy and bratty. I just want to die right now.
I want to work, but I can't seem to find a job and I don't have a drivers license, so half the jobs I am otherwise qualified for are done before I even apply. I'm physically disabled on top of that, so most potential employers dismiss me as soon as they see the cane anyway. I want to leave, just take my critters and go, but I don't have anyplace TO go and no money.
I hurt inside. I hurt inside constantly, but right now I feel as though someone is taking the back of a claw hammer and using it to pull out the contents of my chest. I want to cry all the time.
We say we love each other, but I don't know if I mean it anymore. I do, I know I do, but do I really? Sometimes I'll see her face, her hair, her sweet smile and my heart will melt. Others, she makes me so angry and hurt I want to die.
I have no place I can go. Nothing I can do. Stay tuned.
Blessed Be.
