My dog looks so much better now! I can no longer see her ribs at all. I'm not worried about her being fat because she's always been active and slim, which I think is why she was so thin in the first place. I can't wait until I have some rabbits to feed her. With the fat.

My garden is doing well and I've gathered several tomatoes from it, but I still will need to grow things aquaponically during the winter to really cut my food and feed bill. As soon as I have some starts ready for the tank, I'll buy and introduce the goldfish. I've selected goldfish, in particular, because they are inexpensive and if I make a fatal mistake, I can always buy more. Still, I hope I don't and they live long enough to grow to the size where they can be eaten.

Then maybe I can move up to tilapia, which is what I really want. Maybe crayfish, but I doubt it because they supposedly fight. Or there are those british crayfish (I can't remember what they're called right now) some people are using, but I'm just not sure if they will fight or not. I could close their claws like restaurants do with lobster,  but I just don't want to. Seems cruel to me. I want any livestock I raise (aquastock? I think I like that) to be as happy and healthy and have a good life as possible, and to be slaughtered humanely even if I have to do it myself. I'm of the opinion that if you eat, you should be there for every step of the way anyway to understand what sacrifices are being made for your food and so you can give it the best life you can give it, whether it's a tomato or a fish. People are too far removed from that. Some even think meat doesn't come from animals at all, but some grocery store manufacturing plant.

Anyway, I'm looking for a dehydrator (my brand new one broke and I can't find the receipt...grrrrrr) and a pressure canner. I've tried to dehydrate some edible weeds in my oven and met with moderate success, but it takes time and I'm not comfortable leaving it on while I'm away. I've found a couple of pressure canners, but they were missing vital equipment I wasn't sure could be replaced since they were no-name brands. Sigh.

My theme song for the week: "I Will Survive."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Faf1ch7Q9XE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Blessed Be.

My dog is finally starting to look the way she should, filled out and beautiful. She's also more playful than she's been for some time. I won't be putting her to work just yet, of course, until she gets a bit more filled out, but I'm so, so glad she's eating and gaining weight. She's still getting kibble along with the meat and she's eating both. I think this 40 pound or so dog ate about 2 pounds of meat tonight! Plus kibble.

On another note, my sprouts are a huge success and I'm considering planting some in an aquaponic system to see how they'll do. If they work, that might open a whole world of possibilities for indoor gardening, which could save money and help me and my critters to be happier and healthier. It's a win-win.

Blessed Be.

Why I fed my dog raw chicken

I fed my dog raw chicken yesterday. An entire drumstick large enough to still be attached to the spine. She ate most of it and my little dog got the rest.

She's been steadily losing weight and was not at all like her usual playful self. She ate only enough to keep her alive, but not enough to keep her at her healthy weight. It was downright painful to watch her ribs start to become visible as she walked. I added vegetable oil to her food, scraps, starches, anything I could think of, she still didn't maintain her weight. She'd gain it, yes, but then she'd refuse to eat very much and it seemed to drop right back off.

Then I remembered how, a few months ago, I had fed them raw hamburgers that I wasn't about to eat myself because they were terrible tasting. She eagerly gulped them down each day and awaited them the next. She loved them, once she realized they were really food.

Kibble, of course, is less expensive and in some ways easier, so when the burgers were gone, she went back to that. She did fine for a while, but not forever. I was beginning to worry about her health, as well as the very real possibility that animal control would see her and decide to pay me a visit. Even the vet could do nothing if she refused to eat and was otherwise healthy.

so I threw her a large piece of chicken.

She's a very large dog, but that piece was too much for her. Since it was large and frozen, I think she was a bit overwhelmed. She couldn't easily tear a piece off and she couldn't really chew it well, so it sat.

I thought I knew the problem so I cut it. Immediately, she began to chew at the piece I threw her, crunching and tearing. It took a bit of time, but she ate it. I gave her more and more and she loved it.

Today, she's being playful. I haven't seen her that way in months. Feeding meat (although not raw) was something I was planning to do "some day." Now I know she needs it today.

It doesn't matter what the AVMA rules. I know what's best for my dog and raw food is the only thing that's getting her back to her old self. I love her enough not to listen to vets who care more about the kibble industry than about my dog, and to listen to what my dog tells me instead.

Blessed Be.

We didn't need another dog. When I saw Penny at the feedstore, though, I instantly fell in love. She was a beagle/blue-heeler mix with heeler markings and beagle ears and tail.

She's very healthy and sweet, very socialized and lovable. I've seen puppies given away for free which needed more TLC than this sweet gal. I'm glad to know the gentleman who raised her got a little bit of reimbursement for her excellent care, although not nearly as much as it cost to raise her to eight weeks.

I'm hoping to train her for herding, but she's only nine weeks old now. Her favorite activity is biting and chewing. I'll have to see what she's like when she's older, but even if she's just a pet, she'll still be loved and spoiled like any working dog.

Blessed Be.

It will be 14 years tomorrow since I lost my little girl. Will the pain never end? I will never see her smile, never hear her laugh, never see her wonder at the rainbow in a drop of water.

She will never know music, never dance, never sing. The canvas of her life will remain unpainted, untouched.

My baby. My baby. How my heart cries for her. How I long to hold her in my arms and rock her gently. How I wish I could tell her a story or see her learn. Nobody understands or even tries. She can never be replaced. She was more than a jumble of cells, don't you know that?

Every year at this time, my heart wants nothing more than to scream in agony, to hide and never be seen again, never feel again. I know it will never be, but I just want to hide.

I want to end this with something heartwarming, something inspirational, but there's nothing more I can say.

Blessed Be.

My partner is an overgrown child. She has no desire to act like a grownup at all. We're living at her mother's place and she seems to think that gives her an excuse to act like a spoiled brat. It doesn't. I'm just so lonely. Last night was the first time we've made love in at least two years and today I'm just as lonely as I was yesterday. I hurt. A lot.

I know she's clinically depressed, but she has all kinds of support with therapist, psychiatrist, medical doctor, other medical types and of course her family, myself included. I try to get her out of bed every morning, but she tells me if I loved her I wouldn't. My heart is broken. Constantly. Why can't I leave? I have plenty of grounds, but I just can't seem to leave. She's been both physically and emotionally abusive as well as lazy and bratty. I just want to die right now.

I want to work, but I can't seem to find a job and I don't have a drivers license, so half the jobs I am otherwise qualified for are done before I even apply. I'm physically disabled on top of that, so most potential employers dismiss me as soon as they see the cane anyway. I want to leave, just take my critters and go, but I don't have anyplace TO go and no money.

I hurt inside. I hurt inside constantly, but right now I feel as though someone is taking the back of a claw hammer and using it to pull out the contents of my chest. I want to cry all the time.

We say we love each other, but I don't know if I mean it anymore.  I do, I know I do, but do I really? Sometimes I'll see her face, her hair, her sweet smile and my heart will melt. Others, she makes me so angry and hurt I want to die.

I have no place I can go. Nothing I can do. Stay tuned.

Blessed Be.

I've been trying to find a job, but it's HARD with a cane! Employers look at me as a falling risk, I guess. Guess I have to get serious about starting my own business, lol.

I make jewelry. What's really great about it is that the same skills can be used in other things, too, like bending wire to make animal cages. And, of course, I had the perfect gift for the women in my life this year without spending much, which was great since I'm broke.

I hope everybody had a great New Year and Yule and has a blessed year to come.

Blessed Be.